i love you, dad.

fact = i dont usually talk to my dad. if i do, then it must be a 'hidup-mati' situation.

daddy? a very foreign word to me. i never had one in my life. i wish i never had. i dont need someone to jerk me off, to yell at me whenever i did wrong. i dont need someone to tell me what to do, just to get yelled at when im not doing it right. i wish he could just dissapear. 'PUFF' just like that and he's gone. away from my life, forever. i dont need a dad, i can do everything on my own.

This is exactly what i have in my mind when im still in my rebellious years. that was like 7 or 6 years ago.

Now im 21, not some 14 years old trying to fit in to some sort of groupies, or what they call as 'a way of life'. If you would ask again now, whats your daddy to you? I would answer,"He's my everything."

I still remember one night, he is drunk and arrived home quite late. He's from KK, that was like 2 hour drive from Ranau. When he opened the door, I glanced at him for about 2 seconds, and continued watching my movie. I didn't know my attitude that night was gonna break his heart. 5 minutes later, i went to the kitchen to get some refreshments form the refrigerator. That is when I heard his little talk with mommy in the kitchen. He asked her, " Whats wrong with Ijet? Or is there something wrong with me? Why cant i get a smile from her face, after a long and tiring day? I dont deserve one? " I didn't feel anything yet. i ignored their conversation, took the drinks from the refrigerator and without even looking at him i walked out from the kitchen.

The most frightening news i received from my family is when my sister called and told me that daddy was in the hospital. "It was a nasty accident, Jet. We dont know whether he'll be alright or what.. " with sobbing voice at the end of the line. I cant feel my legs anymore, i can't even hold my tears from bursting out. At that time, I was in Keningau and I'm in my SPM's year. I sat up the whole night crying, i cried and cried thinking about him.
"What if i'll lose him? What if i'd never get the chance to see him again?"
"Will he be alright? Will my daddy be alright?"
i never prayed so hard, as i prayed for him that night. I prayed that he'll be fine, I prayed that he'll still be smiling there when i'm going back for holidays. I prayed, "Please God, please don't take him away from me." and i repeated that sentence for almost like thousands of time. Praise to God, my daddy made it, he's fully recovered, and as healthy as a horse. Praise to God.

When i first got the offer, to pursue my studies abroad, he didn't show any concern. He keeps quiet, let me do  all the preparations, until the very day, im leaving Sabah, for Selangor. It was 30 June, 2009. He shakes my hand and said, "Sumonong sonong ko hino kio Jit. Barajal no kopio." direct translation "Behave yourself, study hard." that is the only sentence that came out from his mouth. I was quite disappointed at first but nevermind. I was too busy thinking about my new life in a new place. I took a cab to go to the airport, and suddenly my handphone beeps, a new incoming message. I read it and then the next thing I know, I was crying like a baby. My father sent the message. He told me to be brave, face the challenges in life and never backdown. He also told me that this will be the last decision that they took for me. He told me that he is sorry, that i have to go through so much at such a young age and last of all, he told me that he loves me. i burst into tears when i read the last sentence. I replied back, "Thx dad, i love you too."

My mother said, when im away from home, his (daddy) friends would always come over and had a drink with my dad. They would talk about anything, from church activities, to last night soccer game, and finally about me. He told them how proud he is, that i finally found myself a better and promising job in the government. All i needed to hear is that, " I'm proud of my daughter, Ijit. " That was the happiest moment of my life, knowing that somehow, i have made him proud. Thank you dad.

My dad maybe not the soft one, or the joker one. but im very proud to call him as my dad. Sometimes, things just happens, and all i wanted to do is just to put the blame on him, and walk away with clean hands. thats what i would do most of the time. most of the time, we wont even talk to each other, and its awkward for me even to look into his eyes. But what i can tell you, he's my dad and i would do anything to protect him and i'll be there for him when he's old and walks with a cane. I'll always be proud to show him off to my friends and say,"Thats my dad!"

Dad, i love you.